I haven’t posted in a bit and I’m not sure how much I’ll actually be online but I wanted to write about last night. Daniel and I have been talking about that little phrase, the one that only takes one breathe to say but for me just sits in my throat. We’ve both known that we love eachother but haven’t actually spoken it out loud. We were laying in bed and I couldn’t sleep. I felt like I needed to say it. I’ve been feeling like I need to say. I knew I wouldn’t fall asleep until I did. He rolled over and looked at me and said, “sweetie, if you have something to say you should just say it because I know that I love you.” He knew what was going on in my heart and my head. I told him that I was afraid that if I said it that it would go away. He told me that he didn’t see us as ever being apart. He also told me that he’s known he’s loved me since the first time he met me. I’ve known it too. We laid there kissing, sleepily, when I finally pushed the words out. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. They just fell out. “I love you”. “Yeah?”, he said. “Yeah”, I said. “I love you too.”
Goodbye Tim
Just came across this letter that I had written to Tim almost a year ago. I wish I would have dated it to see exactly when I started feeling this way. As I read it, I realized a couple of things but mostly that I don’t feel this way anymore. He’s no longer in my life or has any control over it.
Anyhow, here’s the letter I wrote but never gave him. No reason to now because I don’t really care what he thinks.
Tim,
This isn’t easy for me. For so many years I worked so hard to make you happy. Tried to give you confidence within yourself. I showed you what my love could feel like. I tried to make you whole. There was always something inside you that needed to be loved and cared for regardless of how you acted. I can’t do that anymore. I can’t be responsible for you or let you hide beside me. You have to start fending for yourself. And I too, must start taking care of me without regard to how it’ll hurt you. You’ve broken me. I let myself believe that no one could hurt me again. Maybe I hid myself in you because I thought you were safe from being strong enough to not be able to hurt me. Maybe strong is the wrong word…weak enough to not hurt me is more accurate. I played into your weakness to keep you from doing it. But you did it nonetheless. You left me alone. And now I can’t let you keep hurting me. What you did to me is unexcusable. Adults don’t behave this way. You can’t just promise me eternity and then walk away for someone else. I need to be angry with you. You lied to me. You cheated on me. And you walked out of our marriage. Did you think I’d just step aside while you had your fun and then be waiting with open arms at your return? You knew me better than that. I’m not some reckless teenager. I’ve learned from my past. Will you? You have to know that I hate you for doing this to me. You’ve made me believe that no man is trustworthy. I doubt every word spoken to me. I never wanted to be this way. You knew every detail of my past. All the pain I’ve been through and yet you went ahead and did it anyway. I hate you for being so heartless to me. You coulnd’t even talk to me like a man. You coward, you bastard. I’m ashamed of you. How could I have fallen in love with you, much less stayed when you were so unattached from me? I’ll never make that mistake again. I’m worth having around. And I’m worth being treated with the same love I give out. You don’t deserve me. I truely hope that I’m never mistaken with you again. If you never find happiness again, it’s your own fault, not mine. I won’t be taking care of you anymore. Because of you, I have a lot of work to do for me. I don’t want to be hardened by this. I have to learn to trust all over again. Even though you know that’s the hardest thing for me. I hope that someday I’ll be me again. Free to love without wondering when the pain and worry will set in. So, I must say goodbye to you. Let go of the pain and broken promises. Move on with this life your’ve left me with. You’re not my husband anymore. That part of my life is over.
Past First Base
We got past first base last night but I’m feeling a bit guilty about posting all the juicy details like I use to. That’s gotta be a good sign right? lol I will say that I love him touching my body and I love touching his. He’s incredibly good at making me not only feel good, but respected. We haven’t gone all the way yet but we’ve talked about it and it’ll be happening soon I’m sure. I like the waiting period though, the build up, the connections on other levels. I am also dying for it to happen though too lol
It’s Official
Wow…I have a “boyfriend”. I haven’t had a boyfriend since 1999. That is so weird! I’ve dated a lot obviously but haven’t let anyone call me their girlfriend. I don’t remember exactly what was said last night between me & Daniel. We were talking about facebook & myspace and I said I was asked when I was changing my status from single. He asked if I was waiting for him to do it first ahahah. Then later he told me that he was falling for me. I asked him if he’d be calling me his girlfriend and he said he already has about two days ago to his best friend and hoped I was ok with it. Of course I was thrilled. I felt so safe and happy last night.
By the time we went our seperate ways (at midnight) and I got home, I was feeling a bit blue. I didn’t want to think about it so I just went to sleep. I woke up this morning though feeling the same way. I called my sister and realized how scared I was. I started crying. I really like him but I’m so afraid now that we are official, that it’s all going to fall to shit.
That being said, I am very happy about it all. I thoroughly enjoy being around him, talking to him, listening to his theories, kissing him, feeling him next to me, growing our relationship. I do. I just don’t want things to change. I don’t want to ever ever ever feel like I’m not happy again. I realize that things won’t always be this perfect but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about when you love someone and you learn to accept the bullshit and get less and less out of the relationship. I don’t want that. I guess I’ll just have to be sure to stand my ground, and try to prevent it, while never feeling like I have to stay. I have the choice to say at anytime, you know what, this is not what I want it to be so I’m out. I can say that. I can chose what I will and will not allow in a new relationship.
Ugh…too much thinking. I want to just feel happy about it and not worry about my past relationships and how they’ve failed. I don’t want to punish him or myself for that.
Dating Daniel
Things are going well with me and Daniel. We are taking things slowly. I think I let myself get a little too excited though sometimes and I need to keep my head in check. We’ll be official soon I’m sure. And for right now I’m just thoroughly enjoying what we’ve got going on.
Saturday night we went out and I met one of his best friends. We hung out at a bar downtown and just chatted all night. At the end of the night we were standing out in the rain kissing for a ridiculous amount of time before we realized that we could just get in the car lol. He came back to my house and spent the night. We didn’t do much kising there because by the time we got home, I had an awful headache. It was nice to have him in my bed though.
Sunday we helped my mom move into…his house…of all places ahahahah. His mom’s house actually but he’s living there right now. Guess we’ll really have no privacy now lol. Our mom’s are so thrilled about us dating. We got to do a lot of talking over the weekend and I’m happy to be getting to know him and letting him get to know me as well.
Oh and he told me about the cyst and I told him about the reading. He thought the reading was “awesome”. I, of course, told him I wasn’t going anywhere because of his condition and that it didn’t bother me in the least. Life holds no guarantees so to leave because of something that may or may not happen, is just silly to me.
We are maybe going to get together again tonight. I like seeing him often. I hope that things continue to progress with us.
Daniel
So here’s the scoop. A reading I had a while ago, about three months or so, my friend Joely told me about a man that I would meet. She gave me a lot of details about this guy, described what he’d look like, how I’d feel, and that if I gave him a chance that he’d adore me forever and that I’d be happier than I ever thought I could be. Well, I’ve met him. I met him sooner than she thought but it’s him 100%. I met him on Easter day at my dad’s house. He’s actually my mom’s bff’s son. lol. He’s not my typical guy but I knew immediately when I saw him. In my head I sighed and said, oh shit. Oh shit because I wasn’t sure I was ready, but I am. He’s cute, funny, attentive, smart, likeable. We made plans to hang out two weeks later (because of my busy schedule). We hung out before then because of our mom’s. He’s living at home right now helping his mom out. I went to dinner over there with my mom. We got to talk more to just eachother. Then we went out last weekend. We hit it off like we’d known eachother for so long. He’s a social guy and I’m a social girl so even though we were at a bar carrying on conversations with other people, he always made sure that when my attention came back to him, he included me in the convo. We came back to my house and he stayed the night. We didn’t sleep all night. Instead we laid in bed talking and laughing and eventually it led to kissing. We didn’t go past that. I was proud of myself for not just having sex like I would have before. I want to go about this the right way. We’ve talked several times since and have plans to get together either tomorrow or Friday. I definitely like this guy and I know that he likes me to.
Today my mom called me saying that he came home last night late upset and talked to his mom about how much he likes me and that he doesn’t want to mess things up either. Turns out he has a brain tumor and the last girlfriend he had left him when she found this out. He wants to tell me about it because he thinks he should but he’s afraid that I’ll stop dating him too. My mom, of course wasn’t suppose to tell me this info but her bff was so upset by his reaction that they told me. I’m not going anywhere though. I want to continue to get to know him. I don’t care that he has this condition. The doctors have said that he’ll most likely live a very normal and long life. And I’m hoping that I’m a part of that.
I’m excited to see where things go. And I’m anxious for it to all start happening. I’m ready to be in a relationship with him.
MIA
Guess I’ve been gone longer than I had thought. Sorry. Ugh, I say sorry way too often. I’ve been away for a couple of reasons…
- I hate work and seem to complain far too often about it
- I’ve been tired from said hated job and haven’t been online as much
- I’m still going through this up and down depression bull shit and have just not wanted to face it and writing it makes me face it
- I’m boring lol
So, here I am…what to say…
I’m having more good days than bad, that’s a plus. I’m still feeling incredibly lonely though. I’ve been to counseling twice again. I’m only going once every two weeks. It seems to be plenty for me right now because I think this is just a phase and not some issue I need to beat to death.
I’m going to try to focus on the things I can change. When my therapist asked me what 3 in my life I wanted most to change, my response was immediate and I said that I wanted a new job, better handle on my finances, and a new house. So, I’ve got the house lined up. It’s not an ideal situation but I keep reminding myself that it’s temporary. My mom and I are going to move into a nice sized house, tri-level, 4 bedroom, fenced backyard, and jacuzzi. The rent will save me $300 + a month. That in turn will improve my finances. I’ve got a friend that is going to sit down with me and help me improve my resume. (I do this sort of thing for a living but she’s sort of my mentor) She has a long list of excellent connections also and so she’s going to help me get myself back out there. Those are three things that I can work on, that are in my control, and that will improve my state of mind. I’ll also not be coming home to an empty house which will completely help my mind rest some.
The dating thing is sooooo far from where I was just a few short months ago. I’m happy about it though. I don’t feel depressed about that change in my life one bit. I’m making the choice to be choosy. Mike and I still talk but we don’t see each other all the time. Josh and I have been seeing more of each other but on a total friend level, no kissing even at all!!! I’m proud of myself for that one. In all honesty, I know that if I wanted to be in a relationship for no other reason but wanting to be in a relationship, he’d be right there ready & willing. And although I want to be in a relationship, I think I’m ready for that move, I won’t take just anyone. I want someone that makes me happy and that has those qualities that I’ve been looking for for so long. I don’t want to settle.
So I guess that’s it for now. I’ll write about Daniel soon…a new man I’ve met. It’s a long story though and for now, I’m exhausted and just want to hit the sack lol
Okay
Easter turned out to not be as bad or as lonely as I thought it would be. My family all got together and we all had a really nice time. I went there still hoping that maybe Mike would come but I was completely okay once my sister got there. We just hung out and it wasn’t about me being all alone which was a really nice welcome feeling from the past few weeks, especially the past few days.
I also met someone new. My mom’s bff’s son. He’s nice and cute. We have plans to hang out but unfortunately with my busy schedule, it’s two weeks away lol.
I’ve had a few readings from a friend, not sure if I’ve mentioned it before but this guy really sort of fits the bill as being “the one”. It’s scaring the shit out of me but making me all butterfly like inside as well. WEIRD.
I’ve got the rest of the evening home alone with myself. I’m hoping that this lifted feeling I have stays with me.
A Bit Better
I did pretty good, emotionally yesterday. I woke up feeling ok and I think I worked through it and pushed on. I went and worked out last night which really, really helped my mood. I left there feeling like I could do ANYTHING! Getting through this hard time, included. I woke up this morning feeling the same. I’m excited that I’m doing better. One day at a time though. I’m a bit on edge today, like I might really slap someone but other than that I’m good haahaa Too bad for them really.
I’m going to a girlfriend’s house tonight for a CAbi clothing party. I’ve never been before and probably won’t buy anything but I haven’t seen her in a bit and it’ll be good to hang out.
Tomorrow morning I’m heading back to the gym at 7:30am for a boot camp class followed by a yoga class an hour later.
I hope, hope, hope, that I’m redirectly myself and that it sticks!
Dream
I’ve been having strange dreams that I only half remember. Last night though it was really detailed and I remember it all. In the dream I had fallen asleep just like any other night in bed with my doggie next to me and when I woke up in the morning I was laying on the floor with one pillow and one blanket and every single thing else was gone. I had been robbed. The whole house was empty. Scenes changed and suddenly the guy that robbed me was in my house apologizing and saying that he had to come back because he had fallen in love with me in the process of stealing everything. And like a dummy I sat that intently listening to him. It was a ridiculous dream.
